well, i can't help but wonder what i'll be when i "grow up". i know i'll be in some kind of ministry or something, cause that's what God has called me to. but i still can't help but be anxious about it. my mentor told me not to stress about it, that God'll tell me when the time's right. but still....

my friends see me as a youth councilor (or is it spelled councelor?). others say a "pastor's wife"......huh....i guess that's a possibility.....but i can't just lay my future down because someone says something. but when i think about it, my pastor's wife is really awesome, and she's stood by my pastor through everything and she's helped him in his ministry.....pretty cool!

last night was kinda good and not so good all in one. my b.f., Em, was there at youth, but i knew from the moment i saw her something was wrong. she seemed so fijjity and didn't want to talk. so i gave her her space. she pulled me to the side and told me she needed time to herself.

i think what hurt more than her saying she didn't even miss her friends will she was away for a while or even the fact that she didn't want to talk to me at all, is the fact that when i tried to give her a hug (my way of saying,"it's okay."), she winced and became stiff and just..walked away. it hurt more than if she would have said, "just leave me alone." (i wish she would have said that instead...).

i know she needs time to herself, but i can't help but feel rejected. i'm sure if i told her how i felt, she probably would get mad or something, as if i betrayed her or something or like i don't understand. God, please help me...i know you can....

well, on a better note, a special guest speaker came to speak at youth. he's this really, REALLY on fire guy. he's hung out with major big stars in entertainment and preached to alot of stars in hollywood. i was so excited during the message! he prayed for everyone (like over two hundred teens) all night. all he did was put his hand on my shoulder and pray out loud for me and i felt so impowered! when i got home, i ended up staying up two hours later than i aimed for, praying. i don't think i've ever prayed so long and so sincerely before. it was in that moment i realized i want more than a "casual christian walk" with God; i wanted a relationship with my God, my Father.

i honestly didn't mean to make this blog thing about me in a spiritual sense, but i never get to vent like this, and about things like this. i don't know....it's just cool to be able to type it up and stuff. :)

this is my first post on this blog thing. not really sure what to write, though. nothing out of the ordinary really goes on at home. well, with the exception of last night. i guess it was sorta weird that me and mom were hanging out. i mean, not that i didn't enjoy it, but for the past few months, our "friendship" was on the rocks. truthfully, i never wanted a friend, just a mom. and i guess she finally realized it (thank you God!).

i want to get some kind of group started at church. for homeschooled teens who want to make an inpact in our city, even though the advantage of public school really isn't there.

i'll never forget what happened this past summer. a couple of my (homeschooled) friends and i went to one of the casinos nearby to see a movie and to go bowling. it was cool cause i got to hang out and stuff. but the whole time, the thought of being in a casino was pretty cool. i mean, i don't know any christian kids who go to casinos and reach out to the people there. and for some reason, i felt like we needed to. so i mentioned the idea to the group, all along thinking,"oh man! they're totally not going to want to!". but to my surprise, they did. so we decided to walk through the gambling area, where like all the lod grampas and grandmas were spending time at the slots instead of with their grand kids, and praying aloud while we passed the people along. we could have continued, but one of the security guards was coming our way and started to following us, so we went outside.

out there, i was so pumped up from what just happened, but didn't want to leave it like that. so i encouraged everyone to get in a circle and start praying for everyone coming into the casino. wild, crazy, supid idea, i know, but when we did, people started to stop and some started crying while others started praying along. pretty soon people started coming up to us and asking us to pray for them. it was awesome!

i know this probably isn't the most common way to start a blog post, but i don't function in what everyone else does. and i'm happy i don't :).